Saturday, July 26, 2008

Sync issues

I’m in a strange, hazy place. I like my new job at Church of the Resurrection. It is challenging and fun. But taking the position means that I have to put the kids in daycare. I don’t get near the time with them that I would like (or as I used to). At the same time, I know that they will enjoy Hilltop at KU. But, I wonder what all this is about.

We are grieving leaving Wesley KU. We (well, I) second-guess our decision every other hour. We made this decision because we foresaw a better situation for our family, but it feels like everything we have worked on and built at Wesely for the past two years is crumbling.

I think things will make sense once we are able to sell and move. But right now I feel like I’m 19, and I feel incapable of making clear, mature, responsible decisions. I feel like I am out of sync with the proper flow of the universe.

Does that even make sense?

Here is the life I am supposed to be living right now.

I am living in a wooden farm-house out in the country. Nothing huge, just 10 or 20 acres. I own a peacock and lots of other animals for my kids to enjoy. A zorse would be nice (its a cross between a zebra and a horse) but I think that might be stretching it.
I adopt another child or two, and I homeschool all of them.

Seriously, this is the life I dream of. I am not joking. And maybe it's just not time yet. But how do I get there? Rather than me living my life, it seems like my life is living me.

Are you exactly where you dream of being?
If so, or if not - tell me about it.


Anonymous said...

Nikki - Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate the in-betweeness that you articulate here and the tension between what might be and what is currently reality.
I feel as if I am in the place that God has called me for now, but am always trying to figure out the balance of living in the place where I am and living into the future.

Andrew Conard

Chelsea said...

Hmm... great blog, my friend.
While I love where I am, my heart and soul resonate with your farmhouse scenario. Mine will be next door... but not too close, because houses don't get built an arm length apart in the country...and we'll homeschool our adopted children together and Whip will babysit my babies and, while city moms go on jogs in the mornings, we'll take trail rides and have picnics and enjoy sweet, natural sunsets...

"Cowboy, take me away..."
Love you.