My mom died from breast cancer.

You can imagine how freaked out I was when I "found a lump" 3 weeks ago. I scheduled a doctor visit and mammogram right away, then called my sister. She talked me through all the things it could be and affirmed me for doing a breast exam.

Mamogram was a week later, my husband went with me.

Fibrous cyst. Whew. Same thing my sister found 4 years ago.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. #writepink is encouraging everyone to say a little something.

Everyday during those two weeks of waiting, I told myself "I'm sure it's nothing", and "I'm still too young for this to be happening". But fear and anger kept creeping in. My mind sketched portraits of myself pale, skinny and bald. I pictured other morbid scenarios, which is beside the point. The results came back NEGATIVE.

I am thankful to be fully present, enjoying family and marriage and work and community - reminded to live and cherish life.

Every June, I write about my mom, the amazing Pamela Jean Whitby Strong, whose perfect, beautiful and precious life was taken by that insidious, murderous, careless bitch we call breast cancer.
See past posts here:
Remembering Pamela
In Memoriam
St. Pamela's Feast Day
Remembrance

Mom was first diagnosed at age 45 with breast cancer. She muscled through a couple of years of chemo and surgery, then was clean for 5 years. Then, the tumor metastasized and for 3 long years, she took it to the mat. Chemo, surgery, radiation, chemo, surgery, radiation.

Then experimental.

Then I had my first baby. Then one last surgery. Then a family trip to Bahamas. Then she was gone.

Obsession de jour: using the word "hashtag" in everyday conversations

I can't take credit for it. A few weeks ago, my friend Joey Humke (twitter: @humkedance) said, "wouldn't it be awesome if we just started saying the word 'hashtag' when we wanted people to really listen?"

Brilliant. Hashtag,whydidn'tIthinkofthat?

So I have been experimenting with this lately.

One example from this afternoon: Heads up in the parking lot kids! Hashtag,letstrynottogetrunoverbyacartoday. (PS, my kids looked at me and said, "what??")

Benefits to saying the word hashtag, just before something profound.

1. Take that text talk to the next level. Saying BRB, BFF, BTW, or I totally just LOL'd, is so last year. It's time to give your Twitter-life a voice.

2. People will tune in. C'mon everyone is tired of the boring words that come out of your mouth. Spice it up. Remember how you sometimes preface a mind-blowing statement with the word "listen" or "look"? Replace that with the word "hashtag". See how it goes. My hunch is that everyone will worship you.

Sexual Healing

"You should never say no to sex with your husband."

This is a direct quote from my mom, the late Pamela Whitby Strong. When I first got married, I took this advice lightly. My mom was raised in a traditional mid-class american household of the '50s. Being a feminist, I responded, "Mom, you're old-school and it's adorable." As the years go on, I continue to hear her voice in my head holding me accountable as a wife.

I have been thinking about sex lately.

I have had some interesting conversations in the past few months with some of my sisters out there. Statements like, "sex is such a chore", "I'm too tired by the end of the day to have sex", "I literally never think about it"....sounds like we need some sexual healing up in here.

I'm no marital or sex therapist (disclaimer), I am well aware that there are marriages with severe struggles - I don't presume to know what you might be going through. So forgive me if I sound simplistic or trite. I am simply a wife with a few thoughts on the subject. I welcome your comments.

1. This is an opportunity to serve.
I know, you feel like a servant all day long. People are asking things of you, whining, groping, fussing, tugging, talking back.... and then there's the children, whining, groping, fussing....
You feel like a vending machine.
You feel like a milk factory.
You feel like an ATM.
You feel like a taxi service.
You feel like a mediator, coach, counselor, teacher, housekeeper, disciplinarian, chief whip-cracker.
So by the time the family is back home in the evening, and everyone is fed, bathed and put in bed, the last thing you want is for one more person to ask one more thing of you, right? Sisters, he's not trying to take from you - he's trying to commune with you. Of all the requests of the day, this is top-tier priority. If we truly are called to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, and love one another, and consider one another before ourselves, this is a great way serve.

2. He wants you - why is this an issue?
When your husband is initiating sex, that communicates that he desires you and wants connection with you. Some men get shamed by their wives, as if it is sinful or selfish. Sex is a good and perfect gift from God - the gift of connection, oneness, and of pleasure. Yes, there are other issues of intimacy. Maybe you don't feel cherished or respected. Maybe he needs to pour into you emotionally. I am well aware that in the midst of emotional tension it's hard to want physical expression. But if you are waiting for all to be right in the emotional realm in order for you to give it up - you are missing out. Withholding sex only makes him feel rejection and failure. Coach him by modeling the act of giving. Then talk to him later about what you want and need.

3. Pray! That'll get you in the mood!
Ask God to soften your heart toward your husband. Ask God to bless your sex life. Ask for a renewed desire. Ask God for emotional favor with your man. Ask for strength and stamina so you can give all of you. Ask God to produce fruit (not just babies) in your marriage. Bring God into the room!

((SIDENOTE: don't worry, I almost went with, "Get your pray on so you can get your freak on", or "Get prayed up, then cowboy up". #whyamisoawesome))

Friends, marriage is hard work! And striving for excellence and satisfaction in marriage is a never-ending endeavor. By no means do I have it all together. But I think it is important for us to talk about this stuff and to encourage each other.

Bad School Mom V: Get into the groove

Ok so I get it.

You make a schedule. You work it one day at a time. Sometimes you nail it, sometimes you fail it.

I can say one thing: I have not made my kids late once this first 2.5 weeks of school (priority 1). I have made time for prayer every morning (priority 2). I have not RUSHED them out the door (priority 3). I have instituted "clean-out-backpack-and-do-homework: time. (Priority 4). I have made their lunches everyday (priority 5) - except Fridays which is their reward for eating the mom-lunch every other day of the week.

Did I bathe them everyday? No. Did I do 10 minutes of yoga everyday? No. Did I pick out their clothes the night before every night? No. These are less significant. But I did it most of the time.

If I keep it up, awesome. If I lose a couple here and there, I'm not going to flog myself. The huge learning curve is putting a schedule in place and resolving to stick to it.

Thanks to all my sisters and brothers who care enough to counsel and mentor me in this "growth area" of my life. You are all amazing friends who I respect and adore. You have helped me more than you know!!

Obsession de jour: Junk Gypsie

My friend Randel introduced me to Junk Gypsie. Oh my. My pupils pulsate at every single item on this site. Perhaps you should check it out. http://www.gypsyville.com/

Pretty obsessed with these boots. Hoping for an ebay sale that can score me some cash or maybe a lottery win (wait, I don't know how to play lottery).

Also their jewelry makes my mouth water. Currently taking donations to help fund my next purchase. This badass turquoise rose ring.

Bad School Mom IV: Relapse

It seemed like such a good idea to take the kids to Costco last night. We got them a Wii (which we had been promising for quite some time now - since the PS2 broke). Everyone was in such a great mood that we decided to go to Ingredient for dinner.
What a lovely evening. We sat outside. They have a dreamy fountain and shaded yard for the children to run around in. Creighton and I talked for a good hour and a half. We rolled up to our house around 9pm.

Realization hit:
1. Canon still had homework
2. Backpacks still needed cleaned out
3. Lunches still needed to be made
4. Clothes still needed to be picked out

Aww, no big deal I thought. I will help Canon with homework real quick, then we will just do everything else in the morning.

This morning, the bliss of the previous night wore off, as I struggled to wake the kids. Cosmo never did wake up by the time I left the house at 8:15!
Canon got up, got in the bath, and spent 15 minutes explaining why he was just not going to make it to school today. He fussed about eating daddy's bacon-eggs, about being forced to take his lunch, and about his footwear.
Whitby had a horrible attitude! She reminded me of the time I planted my foot in the middle of a fire-ant bed. She refused to get in the bath, refused to wash her hair, refused to get out of the bath, refused to comb her hair. She spent 15 minutes arguing with me about her poor clothing options, refused to put her clothes on, refused to wear socks, refused to wear sneakers, refused to eat breakfast, refused to get down from the table. She literally growled at me like a wild animal at one point. That girl really gave it to me this morning. How can something so cute be so scary?

Trying to salvage the morning, we surprisingly still had time for Namaste and family prayer. But Whitby refused to join in the exercises and refused to sit in the prayer circle. Unable to focus my heart in an attitude of prayer, I announced, "Daddy is going to say our prayer this morning!"

...Something about kindness, something about peace, something about God.... I literally have no memory of that prayer. I can only hope that in some way it was worth it just to make the effort.

Needless to say, I am thankful that each day is a new day and that my kids are so resilient and forgiving. Even more thankful that God gives me the grace and strength to try again tomorrow.

Lamentations 3:22-24, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassion never fails. His mercies are new every morning; great is his faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him’.”

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Meal menu??

"Planning out your meals every week is a good way to keep track of the time and money you spend on food."

Great.

Not only am I embarking on a schedule reformation for my family. Now I also am encouraged by the experts to work on a menu.

Don't get me wrong, it makes perfect sense. But how does one go about planning out a menu for the family every week. I can honestly say that I have NEVER done this. My sister (the organized one) has done it for years. Dana - care to weigh in on this???

I have looked up a couple of menu planning forms on the web. But friends, I literally don't cook. I feed my family finger food, fruits and veggies + easy stuff. I'd say we eat pretty healthy (although after watching the Food Inc. Documentary I know I need a lot of reformation in the nutrition area as well - - more on that later). But I definitely "wing it" for dinner almost every night.

All I can picture is a hospital scenario where everyone knows that Tuesday night is salsbury steak and box mashed potatoes and brown gravy, a roll and a side of canned peaches.

So help. What does it look like to plan out meals on a weekly basis for the family?

Bad School Mom III: One week down, 32 to go!

It was a great week - - ok, HALF A WEEK. My reformation seems to be going well so far... I got up early each morning. I stuck to my schedule. We got everything done in the mornings: bathe, brush teeth, get dressed (with clothes we picked out the night before), eat a healthy breakfast, Namaste' (breathing/stretching/moving our bodies), prayer time, and most importantly, an on-time arrival time to school.

I had an AHA moment when reflecting on my new found routine. I realized that having a schedule actually FREES me to do the things I aspire to do.

Huh? Wha? Come-again?

I have always been a free-spirit.

I will now confess my former attitude toward scheduling:

1. Scheduling is for OCD, A.R. people.
2. Scheduling is bondage. It ties me down to something. If I write it down, I am committed to it.
3. I'm not any good at it.

What I realized is that, while I may have a propensity toward being a non-committal free-spirit, having a schedule does not tie me down. Conversely, it actually creates the space I need to accomplish my goals.

I never have looked at scheduling like this before. I can not express the joy I feel when I drop my kids off after a relaxed, non-rushed, enjoyable morning.

I hesitate to mention how great this half-week has been because I don't want to jinx the success I have felt, sticking with the schedule. But I wanted to share with you because this truly is a victory for me!

So BRING IT ON, you other 280 days of school!

Is it possible to become an early riser?

I am a night owl.

My husband is a night owl.

We operate as if we are still in college.

Each night we stay up until after midnight. We get the kids in bed by 8:30 or 9, then we stay up. Either we are doing housework: cleaning, organizing, doing laundry, paying bills... Or we are working on work stuff: emailing, scheduling, planning... Or we are engaging in miscellaneous activities: blogging, reading, surfing, catching up on the week's TV shows, chatting, or hotsex :).

In my recent efforts to be a better school mom, I made it a goal to wake up early - before my kids. I want to get a leg up on my day. I want to be showered and ready to go before they get up. I want to spend time in prayer and in scripture. I want to have the morning chores out of the way so that I can focus on the children.

One blogger I follow (ZenHabits), gave some great practical suggestions on the merits of early-rising. I'd like to share them with you:

10 Benifits Of Rising Early And How To Do It

My plan is to rise at 6:30am. NEVER BEFORE HAVE I DONE THIS. So we will see how it goes. I have a morning routine printed out. By the end of the week, I will post this morning schedule and my hope is to be able to share with you how the mornings went.

Bad School Mom: Quest for Reformation

So tonight was "Back to school night". I feel like such a wall-flower. I'm so awkward. I wonder how many other moms are feeling the same way. Anyhoo, since it's not about me... I had a great experience walking my kids through their orientation.

I went up to the school solo, so I could get a lay of the land (classes, teachers, classmates, school supplies, etc.). Then I went and picked up the kids and escorted them to their classes to meet their teachers.

Thanks to all of you who are cheering me on toward bringing my A-game to the school mom situation! I have appreciated your prayers and your counsel.

My friend Lara gave me a few great pointers and tonight I have implemented a couple of them: I set all the kids clothes out, and even made their lunches for the morning. I have my alarm set to get up before they do tomorrow morning (we'll see how that goes).

I took Laura Steele's recommendation on the book "Managers of their homes". It has helped me get an handle on our daily and weekly schedules. I will hopefully have a meal plan and a chore schedule as well!

Lori Cousino (4th grade teacher in Dallas) suggested I talk to the teachers about my desire to do better this year to stay connected to them and to the class. So tonight I told both teachers that I had some difficulty last year keeping in touch and really desire for this year to stay connected.

I have been inspired by Ashley (our live-in nanny and so much more than that) to rise above mediocre and be excellent in the these family matters.

I got a calendar so that each week, Creighton, Ashley and I can be on the same page with our schedule. I have drafted a schedule for each morning of the week, and each afternoon and evening. I have bought an adorable little family organization notebook that contains pertinent info an numbers and lists. Once I finalize the morning and evening routine, I will post it in my kitchen folio, so that we can all yield to it.

Will this all work out?? I have no idea. I am notorious for starting out strong and then getting complacent or distracted - - and falling off the wagon.

But I am determined to create a relaxing and healthy environment for my children's childhood. So I would appreciate your continued prayers for me in my SCHOOL-MOM-REFORMATION!!

Here I raise my Ebenezer

We sang "Come Thou Fount" in worship a few weeks ago. In honor of this day, I wore a necklace that was handmade by my friend and hero Shannon Mills.


A few years ago, Shannon sent me this little beauty. She sent it during a season of struggle and frustration in my life. I love it. I love it because she made it. I love it because she found it and thought of me. I love it because she made a similar one for herself.



A written note in the package said:

Nik, I made an Ebenezer stone for us. Read the story of Samuel and and his Ebenezer stone. When you wear it, be reminded that God is our help - remember his faithfulness.

Today I wore it again and have received lots of comments about its uniqueness, its earthiness, its weight... And I have loved sharing the story of Shannon and the story of Samuel. Each time, I am reminded that God is my Help - I remember his faithfulness.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood. —Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing


"Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12, NLT

Said goodbye to an old friend today.

This knife and I have been through it all together. Literally, every head of lettuce, every tomato, potato, watermelon, apple, lime, carrot, celery, cantaloupe, pepper....


Today, it broke while Creighton was cutting some romaine.













I held you in my hand almost every day. You're so sharp and strong. You have been there for me every time I have reached out to you for help. I will miss you friend. How can I ever replace you?

Hopefully you will have some fun in your next life. May you find all the milk cartons, coke cans, diapers, and rotton veggies... May you slice and dice to your hearts content.

Obsession de jour: Antoine Dodson

My friend Brandon (Lyrist's locution) first introduced me to "Auto-Tune the News. They skillfully yet cheesily set news stories to rap songs. None of their stuff has blown me away. UNTIL NOW! This one is share-worthy.

To really appreciate the news song, click here to watch the actual news story.

Bad school mom

I thought I was a pretty good pre-school mom. Bring .50 cents on Friday for the field trip. Dont forget their car set and send them in closed toed shoes. Got it.
There are two parties during the semester, send $10 for each. Got it.
Get here late or skip a few days here and there - no problem. You're paying for it anyway.

Elementary is a whole new skillet.

Last year my Oldest started Grade 2 and my middle started Kindergarten. I literally felt like I was behind, surprised, unprepared, and under-informed the whole year (mostly my own fault). I didn't take it seriously. Barely got my kids vaccinated in time. I didn't help with parties (outside of sending money). I didn't join PTA. I didn't position for "room mom" or "assistant room mom" or even ever find out who those people were. I was scarcely involved.

If you ever want to feel better about yourself as an elementary school mother, just come talk to me.

Flash forward: School starts in two weeks.

Canon will be in 3rd and Whitby will be in 1st. Cosmo - one more year of blissful pre-school.

I talked to my friend Laura [Blog: Is there any wine left] last night about getting a schedule in the mornings and preparing for things to come. She gave me some GREAT ADVICE.

1. Get up before they do.

I definitely am guilty of sleeping until the first child wakes up. They have been my alarm clock for 8 years now. I still stay up till midnight or later every night. How can I be expected to rise before 7:30am? Now I am going to have to find the alarm setting on my phone? This will be a huge adjustment.

2. Lay their clothes out by their bed so they can dress themselves.

This one will help me tremendously because half of my time in the morning is spent moving from the laundry room the the clean laundry baskets in my room to the drawers in the kids room. I am THE ONLY person who knows where the clean-wearable-clothes are. So, no problem... I can do this scurrying at night rather than in the morning. ((I am aware of the red flag that just went off in your mind about my organization skills, but I can only deal with one short-coming at a time)).

3. Check their backpack right after school everyday so that you are not surprised in the morning.

Great. Three strikes. How many times did I go through my kids backpacks last year? None times. Well, maybe one or two max. This will be a huge routine change in our afternoons. It's a welcome change. I already talked to Ashley (our nanny) about what the after-school routine will look like this year. Hopefully she and I together can get the afternoons on the right track.

Here's the bottom line.
First, I don't want to embarrass my kids. Anytime I drop them off late they are exasperated with me as they get out of the van. I'm not the one that has to get a tardy slip from the secretary and walk into the classroom late. This ought not happen!

Second, I don't want my kids to go through their childhood being rushed in the mornings. I want them to enjoy the mornings and start the days off well. Well nourished (which they do because Creighton always gets up and feed them a healthy breakfast), and well prepared (which they will be after getting their after-school routine going).

I don't want to get crazy here but during the pre-school years, I was regular with morning yoga and prayer. We did 10 minutes of yoga together in a circle and then ended with a prayer, and we bowed to one another saying, "God bless you".

Heck, why not add that back in! You know I am going to rock these other three!

Pregnant with possibility

Last night I dreamed I was pregnant. In my dream I was rubbing my belly while talking to a friend (the friend is not significant, just an extra in the dream cast). I watched myself stand there swaying and smiling, chatting and rubbing. I felt contentment and anticipation.

I have been praying about the meaning of this. I know there is no actual fetus in my womb, the dream is metaphorical.

What's interesting is that there are many unknowns in the life of the Alexanders right now. Recently, (during wake-time anyway) I have felt more doubt and angst than contentment and anticipation.

My fretting is most often about money:

1) House is for sale and not selling
2) Creighton launching his coaching biz

So maybe the dream is a wave of comfort - a gift from God of things to come.

Welcome to my blog, where we could do it your way - - but don't get crazy

Decided to rabbit trail down a new blog design "template". Went with grunge slash artsy black and white.
What do you think?

I had this photo of one of my paintings up for a long time.




But was feeling like a change.
It might be a little much. I will live with it for a while and see how it feels.

The newest member of our family

To make a long story short:

We started with Apollo and Starbuck. Two awesome standard poodle litter-mates who made our lives richer from day one. (aside: names come from Battlestar Galactica our sci-fi obsession at the time).
In a tragic run-in with a volkswagon rabbit - Starbuck lost his life chasing a heartless bunny across the road. The irony.
In mourning, we waited to get another dog for Apollo. Yet we still hold to the axiom that everyone needs a friend. Finally, the opportunity arose to acquire a young spunky golden-doodle puppy from her previously overwhelmed family. We named her Athena (also from BSG), and she and Apollo are get along just fine.

This pup is so cute and funny and social. One look at her and you're hooked. Problem is, she is not potty trained yet - even at 7 months. It's pretty high maintenance. Last night Creighton stepped in a puddle of pee by our bed.

Hopefully she will get it together soon before Creighton either gives her away or worse - - m u r d e r.

So here's my plan. Tell me if I'm crazy.

Athena is a registered, breedable female. Next summer, I'm thinking about having her bred, so that we can have a litter of puppies. We would teach the children about owning a business and coach them in caring for animals. Profits would go to their college fund. I think it would be such a good learning experience for them. And how fun to have a bunch of little fur-balls running around.

What do you think?

Remembrance

Every year on June 21, my sister, brother and I text or call each other and say, "Happy Pammy Day". This is a strange statement because it is actually the anniversary of my mom's death. Now 8 years ago. I can't believe it has been 8 years. The pain of loss is still at arms length. Still, something triggers - - it could be anything (pepper, double-mint gum, tweezers....) and in seconds the memories wash over me.

I have a tradition which I described in detail in 2008.

Last year's remembrance was special because I got to be with my sister.


Creighton, the kids and I had a busy day so we didn't get to Cheesecake Factory until about 9pm. The kids did great - I was so thankful that they kept it together for the Pamela tradition.
They had great attitudes and they humored me while I told them the story of Gammy and how she loved them and how she loved me and how I so wish they could have known her.

I continue to see adult women having coffee with their mothers, and children having quality time with their grandmothers- and it still brings up envy and grief.
I suppose there will never be a day that I don't miss her.


I'm thinking especially of my brother this year because he has a new baby daughter. He named her Tennessee Jean (Mom's middle name is Jean). I hurt for him because I know the deep sense of loss he is feeling - not being able to share his daughter with mom.



His text this year: "I can't talk to you in person because I will burst into tears..."

Downsizing

We had this crazy idea. What if we sell our house and downsize into an apartment?
Cons: Less space, less stuff, no yard, no play fort, no culdesac.
Pros: Less space to clean, less stuff to take care of, no yard to mow, no landscaping upkeep, less money spent on housing.

The catalyst for this idea came when Creighton and I were brainstorming about his PhD. He has completed his course work and is now ready to tackle the dissertation.

I heard a statistic on NPR that less than 10% of PhD students actually complete their dissertation.
One of Creighton's mentors cautioned him saying, "The saddest phrase in the English language is 'All But Dissertation'".

Throughout the last 3 years, Creighton has been working full-time as a church pastor while completing coursework for his PhD. While he is a high-capacity student, he has not been able to fully embrace his academic experience. To be able to focus on researching/reading/writing everyday would allow him to truly experience what he is learning.

This schedule has been a challenge for our family. The truth is, we should have this when we first moved to Kansas. As a matter of fact, that is the whole reason we are in Kansas!

Don't get me wrong, I love my house, LOVE IT. But it is... just a possession.

What if we could strategically create space and time for Creighton to focus full-time on this thing? It could take a year (as opposed to 3-4) and we could get it over with!
So that is the goal, the dream.

SAY A PRAYER FOR US!

I don't mean to brag, but...

But my braiding skills are pretty much awesome.

Introducing Ashley McBride, an amazing woman who:
Lives with us.
Helps shepherd my children.
Has beautiful, silky, straight hair.



She shared with me that every once in a while she braids her hair at night and sleeps on it. By morning, voila - body and waves.
Her typical technique is to weave two french braids - last night I suggested we try three.



"I will help you because, well, I don't mean to brag but, I can weave a tight french braid."

She was game and we chatted while sectioning out her hair into three braids. I brought my A-game. I broke a sweat and my hands almost cramped from the high level of skill these braids were asking for.
Upon completion we were pretty excited that we had just channeled Julia Styles in "Save the Last Dance".










Ashley had a leisurely morning. Went out for breakfast, enjoyed some relaxation with her bestie Liz (shout out!). Little did she know what she was about to unravel.


She texted me this photo with the comment: Umm, I think that I am going to stick with two braids from now on.

Our first stitches

Recently I posted a story about our first fracture - roughly one month ago: http://ziondreamer.blogspot.com/2010/03/our-first-fracture.html

Well, we have another first. Stitches.

Monday night we were at Canon's first baseball game and Cosmo was standing on the side of my friends car making her baby laugh. Suddenly, my friend and I heard what sounded like a boiled egg cracking. We were standing about 3 feet away at the time. Cosmo started screaming and holding his side.
I picked him up and as I held him I lifted his shirt to search for the wound. Found nothing. I lifted him to ask where it hurts - and as I looked at his face, I saw blood running down his head.

I froze.

A little side note about me. I am a quick-on-my-feet-problem-solver (when it comes to work or to other people). But in this situation I couldn't even think. I'm realizing that this is a pattern. I freeze when it comes to personal high stress situations.
I just held him tight and said, Jesus help me, Jesus... (with an "o shit" sprinkled in here and there).

My friend Laura sprung to action. She ran off to get towels and water. And to get my husband who was finishing up post game refreshments with Canon's baseball team.

Creighton came a-running and loaded me and Cos up in the van for what turned out to be a 5 hour emergency room visit. The child got stitched up and all is well. He's such a trooper. Here are the photos.

The taste for blood

Apollo killed his first bunny this morning.

Before you get to impressed by his prowess. It was a barely born baby that weighed zero and some change. The kids saw it right before school. I didn't hear about it until I drove away for morning school drop-off in the car. "Mom, we saw a mommy bunny bounce away and we saw a baby bunny nest in the back yard."
"Umm, really?" I queried. Because unfortunately I had just released Apollo out to frolic for the 10 minutes it would take me to shuttle the kids to school.

Multiple thoughts swirled in my mind.

My first thought was, "I hope Apollo mames and kills all the bunnies (baby or not) he can find".
REF: http://ziondreamer.blogspot.com/2009/05/smear-campaign.html and
http://ziondreamer.blogspot.com/2009/05/last-night-i-swerved-to-hit-rabbit.html

My second thought: Apollo is not that bright. We always called him "the pretty one", and Starbuck, "the smart one". I tried to assure myself that his only M.O. was to bark at the neighbor or chase tree pollen. I was certain he'd miss the scent of freshly born rabbit meat.

My third thought was, "Wow, I hope Cosmo (the 4 year old) does not witness the gore of a dog ravaging a bunny carcass when we pull up."

AAAANNNNNDDD he definitely did. I will spare you the details. Needless to say, I was 15 minutes late to work because I had to hose the blood and wipe the lusty smile off of his face.

Pose I am working toward

One thing I love about yoga is the balance poses. Ultimately, I would love to do a full-blown hand stand.
For now, I'm working on the head stand and the variations thereof.
I have the standard headstand down pretty well.
It looks like this:



BTW, this is not me.








This is me:













And this is what I am trying to get to:




Doing the splits while balancing on my elbows. Piece of cake.

New cliches at work

The first church job I had, I was always astounded at how many cliches I heard. I wondered if this was a vocabulary that people learned in seminary or from the corporate world or simply from watching the movie Office Space.
I kid you not, my supervisor frequently used the phrase, "I'm gonna need you to go ahead and (FILL IN THE BLANK). So if you could go ahead and do that, that would be great. Thanks."

Here I am 10 years later, at mega-church-take-two. Only this experience is rainbows and roses compared to the prior. It is a significantly more healthy atmosphere. However, I am still intrigued by the amount of cliche action I get.

I have started a list of cliches I hear my co-workers (mostly the ones in leadership) throwing around every other hour. Terms like: "We had some misses on that" and "I'm gonna have to push back on that". Another one I enjoy hearing in meetings: "Could the two of you have that conversation OFF-LINE?"

There is a new one that brings a tear to my eye.
"Let's all stack hands on this".

I am going to keep the list going. Care to add to it??

My daughter's photography

My 6 year old daughter Whitby took all of these photos. I think she has a pretty good eye -- of course, they are all of me. HAHA

Consistency

It is funny how discipline in one area of life is an influence for other areas.

For the past week, Creighton and I have been working out everyday. We started P90X, a 90 day extreme fitness program www.beachbody.com (Stay tuned for day 1,30,60,90 photos which will be posted on this blog).

For the past few days, I have caught myself making healthier food choices. I have been drinking water way more than usual and have started taking vitamins again. I have chosen green tea over coffee since Sunday. And today I randomly picked up an apple and ate it (something I have probably only done *none* other times in my life).

Consistency from working out to eating more healthy - that's not much of a stretch. But I have also had more discipline with bible study this week - hungry for God's word.

This is a phenomenon I have experienced numerous other times in my life, yet somehow I always forget about it.

I am excited about the upcoming 90 days. Not only because of the rockin'bod I will have on June 15th, but because of the growth I expect to experience emotionally and spiritually.

Lord, I pray for a renewed commitment to you. Help me prioritize health and wholeness. I give you my body, my mind and my heart. Help me be faithful with the time you have given me.

Texas Independence Day: The Video Recap!

Doctors, hospitals, medicine and sick people

Recently I have done some self-evaluation because my son Canon (age 8) broke his foot and I did not take him to the doctor till 2 1/2 days later.

In the rear-view mirror, I see that my under-reaction is a consistent pattern. I'm fairly certain that at some point in my life, I picked up an issue with doctors, hospitals, medicine and sick people.

Could it have something to do with my dad, the rancher who 1. refuses to retain health insurance because it is a big-business racket, 2. treats the skin cancer on his leather ears with some kind of equine concoction, 3. sews his own stitches, and 4. used to pour "monkey blood" (what is that stuff anyway) on our wounds and say, "Now get your gloves back on and get back out there".

Perhaps.

Does it have anything to do with my experience in grad school as a hospital chaplain for the summer where 1. I felt fear and anxiety every time I entered a patient's room, 2. saw every kind of freak-nasty ailment a person could have, 3. became a germ-a-phobe, 4. came home everyday with irrational fears like catching spine-cancer or diabetes.

Possibly.

Or how about the more recent onset that 1. My kids seem to have no tolerance for pain, 2. ER visits are the most exasperating wastes of precious money and time imaginable, 3. sick people still come to work and school and church when they're admittedly and visibly sick, 4. my family seems to pick up every bug and sniffle that comes along.

Probably.

It drives me crazy every time my kids ask me for a band-aid. All compassion drains from my body when my husband gets sick. I disregard the effect that cold medicine or pain reliever might have - it doesn't even cross my mind until my husband inquires, "Um, have you taken anything for that??"

On one hand, this is the way I am. I don't think I am alone in this. And to some extent I think it's wise and level-headed to NOT FREAK OUT WHEN SOMEONE GETS A HANGNAIL.
On the other hand, I think there is a balance. My reaction time could use a little work. For example, let's say, YOUR SON BREAKS 3 BONES IN HIS FOOT AND YOU DON'T TAKE HIM TO THE DOCTOR FOR 2 DAYS.

So what is that balance?

Our first fracture

Canon fractured three metatarsal bones in his foot Saturday.

He and his friend were laughing and chasing each other around in the living room. I distinctly remember saying, "kids, y'all chill out because....", and right before I could finish the sentence, Canon's friend grabbed his right foot. His body came crashing down onto his left foot, breaking the tree middle bones just behind his toes.

The child screamed and cried for about an hour. I had little compassion in the situation. He has a flair for the dramatic, and I have a "get up and get back out there" attitude when it comes to injuries and pain.

I told him he was ok. We iced it, and I sent him upstairs to lay down and rest. Told him to take it easy the rest of the evening (he dutifully played star wars legos on PS2 till bedtime).

I realized it may be a sprain of some sort when he woke up Sunday morning and it was swollen like a puffer fish. I continued to ice it and encourage him to rest. But still had no intention to take him to the doctor.

Finally on Monday, Creighton urged me to take him to get an x-ray. I straight told him that was unnecessary. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: "It is a sprain, he will be fine in a couple of days"
Him: "You don't know that, it could be broken"
Me: "I bet you TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS that we are going to get there and the Doc is going to charge us $120 and send us home with some advil"
Him: "This is your son, Nikki. You need to get it checked out."
Me: "Creighton, he is going to be fine, he just needs to lay off of it for a couple of days"
Him:"Nikki, you are not a doctor, and you are going to feel terrible if it is broken"
Me: "SSSIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHH, Ok, I will take him"

You can imagine the humility with which I made the phonecall to inform Creighton of the news.

Him: "hello?"
Me: "hi"
Him: "Well..."
Me: You were right. I was wrong. It's broken. I'm sorry.
Him: "Aagh, that's ok. I'm just excited that I get to think of ways for you to work off that ten thousand dollars!